Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

What does this poem mean to you?

While I choose to replace the word “fault” with “responsibility” (as “fault” tends to carry with it implications of shame and guilt), I otherwise find this poem a powerful tool for discussing recovery, from mental illness, addictive behaviors, or both.

What is your “hole in the sidewalk”? We all have them on meta and micro levels. For me, one “micro” is my urge to grab my phone too early in the morning, while criticizing my child’s tendency towards the same (I’m currently between steps three and four). Sometimes we toggle back and forth from one stage to another and back again.

The metaphor of the hole gives us a tool to look at an issue with clarity and without shame and blame. We humans are creatures of habit, and we are quite good at tricking ourselves. It can take doing the same thing over and over again before we even notice the hole is there, and then even more time to see our own responsibility in the journey.

But responsibility is different from fault. We can learn to separate OWNING our actions from BLAMING ourselves. And when we can let go of the blame, we have much more freedom to make choices.

This thing we call life can be a difficult road sometimes. With gentle, nonjudgmental help, though, we can work on finding a path, an individual, unique path. Because while human beings may be stubborn, we are also resilient. 

You may have fallen into that hole in the past, but you CAN rediscover your own voice and sense of self. No matter your past, you have the possibility of finding a new road.