It’s that time of year again. The time when families gather around the table (or, this year, the Zoom screen), argue politics over turkey, stuffing, and pie, then retire to the living room to groan about how “bad” they were for eating so much and how they’ll have to work out tomorrow to “atone” for their “sins.”

Or maybe they’ll eyeball cousin Andre or little Caitlyn enjoying their second piece of grandma’s pumpkin pie, and offer dirty looks, or perhaps the age-old “do you really need that second piece?” remark.

After all, what’s a holiday without a good old-fashioned dose of body-shaming?

America hates fat bodies. Heck, we’ve even declared war on obesity. People may argue that it’s about health, but thin does not necessarily mean healthy and vice versa. In addition, fat-shaming in order to “help” people lose weight doesn’t even work. Shaming people into losing weight actually has the opposite effect. With all the fat-shaming going on in America, you’d think we’d have “won” that “war,” but in fact, obesity rates continue to rise.

In addition, the depression, self-hatred, and poor self-concept created by the stigma do significant damage to health. Anti-fat bias can actually make people sick. It starts early and can take a very serious toll. In addition, fat bias permeates the medical system, leading to people with larger bodies getting poorer care and avoiding doctors altogether.

An example of subtle yet not-so-subtle messaging from the medical system: when my daughter was no more than eight years old, I brought her for her yearly well-visit appointment with our pediatrician, whom we had always liked. Dr. So-and-So asked my kiddo about her eating habits, including how much calcium she was getting. My foodie child proudly reported on her milk consumption as well as her love of all things cheese. The doctor looked at my little girl with a warning in her eyes, stating, “You have to watch how much cheese you eat, because it will end up right here,” pointing to her own thighs. I was speechless. I later called the doctor to discuss the inappropriateness of this remark. She didn’t get it. We switched doctors.

Our culture’s view of fat bodies as “bad” and thin bodies as “good” also leads to the inevitable black-and-white talk around food.

But here’s the thing: food is not morality.

I repeat. FOOD IS NOT MORALITY. And neither are bodies.

There is no such thing as “good food” and “bad food.” There is food that has more nutritive value than other food, but this is not a moral judgment. When we put moral judgment on what we put into our bodies, it is an easy next step to putting that judgment onto ourselves.

“I was so BAD for eating that dessert!”

“You’re so GOOD you’re just having salad!”

When I hear these statements, I respond like a broken record: “Food is not morality.” I am usually met with confused, blank stares. This is not how we are taught to think.

The fact is, allowing ourselves to eat all things in moderation, without deprivation, allows us to feel fulfilled, to get a full range of nutrients, and to let food be, well… just food. If we allow ourselves to enjoy food for its taste, for its ability to bring us together socially, and yes, for its nutritional value, without depriving ourselves of any one thing, we will be more likely to have healthy bodies and healthy relationships with food. (We’ll also feel more satisfied and less likely to eat emotionally or binge-eat.) Our bodies will likely find themselves at a size and weight that is genetically right for us as individuals (and not for some chart created 100 years ago or for some unattainable beauty standard created by Madison Avenue).

On a holiday like Thanksgiving, we might eat more than usual because, well, it’s a holiday, and, what the heck, pie and stuffing are DELICIOUS.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

What’s not okay is commenting on others’ (or for that sake, our own) food choices or bodies, or making pronouncements about the moral value of such.

In addition, we never know who may be listening or what they may be going through.

For one, children are extremely susceptible to subtle and not-so-subtle messages. They learn how to relate to themselves and their bodies by example. Commenting on yourself or Aunt Bea does not go unnoticed. And certainly commenting on the child’s body or food choices in a moral or shaming way sends messages loud and clear. It doesn’t take much to set a child up for a lifetime of disordered eating or at least a culturally sanctioned war between themself, food, and their body. As Aubrey Gordon writes in a recent New York Times article about the “war” against childhood obesity, “Weight stigma kick-starts what for many will become lifelong cycles of shame. And it sends a clear, heartbreaking message to fat children: The world would be a better place without you in it.”

In addition, we also don’t know who may be suffering from disordered eating and struggling to overcome the severe damage of these messages. Holidays can be the toughest time of year for people struggling with eating disorders, especially with all the focus on food and gatherings around food. Diet and fat talk is akin to offering a drink to an alcoholic.

So in these hardest of times (I mean really, will 2020 EVER end?), let’s take this holiday season to enjoy what we can of our loved ones, whether in person or on-screen. And let’s use food as one of the many ways to celebrate tradition and find sensory enjoyment. And let’s work on letting go of the ingrained attitudes around food and body shaming that are so prevalent in our society.

Here are some tips to help get through the holidays without food and body shame and fat talk:

  • If someone else makes a comment about you or others, try my favorite line (in a nonjudgmental voice): “Food is not morality.” Or change the subject.
  • If you are fighting your own internalized food and body shame, imagine a stop sign in front of you. Stop. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself “Food is not morality.” Try a little “shhh” under your breath, so quiet nobody can even hear. You. Are. Okay. Then carry on.
  • When there are holiday treats around, ask yourself, “What do I really want?” and then take a small amount. No deprivation. Put the food on a plate, sit down at a table (not in the dark in front of the fridge!), and eat it slowly, really tasting every bite. Enjoy the food. Remember — it’s just food.
  • Talking to kids: allow kids to make their own choices (in age-appropriate ways). You can encourage variety (“Your body needs lots of different foods to be healthy”), though you might be more flexible at the holidays. If you are concerned they might eat “too much” (based on how they might physically feel), gently suggest slowing down and mention that you are concerned they may get a tummy ache. If they want more after eating a lot, suggest they wait 20 minutes to see if they still want it. Remember — kids like to eat treats at the holidays too, and that’s okay.
  • When talking about kids, focus on accomplishments, behaviors, personality traits (“I’m so proud of Lana for being so kind”) rather than physical traits (“She’s so beautiful!”). Also, avoid using food as a punishment or reward.
  • Model, model, model! If you talk about yourself in body-positive ways and model a positive relationship with food and your body, your kids are much more likely to have the same — even if you have to “fake it ’til you make it.”

It’s a stressful time. Have a gentle holiday season filled with self-compassion.

I am available for free therapy consultations for NYS residents at emy@therapywithemy.com or (212) 786-5325.